Three Two One

I will not give in. I will not quit.
I will not surrender one little bit
of the disdain I feel when you flash that sign:
“Try again later. Too bad! I’m offline!”
You wretched assortment of “x”s and “o”s.
I’m smarter than you; everyone knows
that you are the product of human design.
We made you, Buster, and you are mine!
I will not give in! I will never quit!
You can blink and sputter, but from where I sit,
you will never win the day.
Listen, laptop, to what I say:
I want this printed and I want it now,
so you and that printer figure somehow
to put those words on a clean white page
because you are about to see the rage
of a man determined to have his way.
Your game is done! I will not play
this sadistic game of “Let’s drive him mad!”
I suggest you perform and avoid the sad
outcome of insisting that printer’s offline.
But if you insist, let me give you a sign:
do you see this hammer I hold in my hand?
I’m usually a peaceful, gentle man
but you’ve pushed my limit, so here’s the plan:
you print that page and life will be fine;
if not, if you tell me that printer’s “offline”
I’m going to fill and trash bag or two
with the bits and pieces of both of you.
So, one more time: is that printer offline?
Are you sure you won’t blink and change your mind?
Your plot to drive me completely insane
is the source of my anger and emotional pain.
But ten seconds from now I will sit here and smile
because you will be in a neat little pile
right here on my lovely hardwood floor
and I’ll be off to the nearest store
to replace you both; it’s up to you.
Five seconds left and then you’re through!
Connect! Perform! Get back “online.”
Print that page and I’ll be fine.
Three two one…